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Imposter

From the Department of the Painfully Obvious:

Sarah Palin is to Barack Obama as The Monkees are to The Beatles.

ash sent that throw-away line to her local paper expecting it to be ignored. Instead, the new editor replied that he "took umbrage" as a Monkees fan only to publish it anyway. Only for the letter to garner grumbling objections - or so she was told, since she no longer reads the local paper - and absolutely no approbation. Which is rather humorous, considering the transparency of the comparison, until you consider the community in which she lives. So ash wrote the following elaboration which naturally was not published.

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Tawdry Business Practices R Us

At some point ash adopted the philosophy - or perhaps simply realized - that she was impervious to intimidation. Short of physical threat, of course, which the following definitely does not constitute. Later investigation confirmed that JC Penney is hardly the only organization to employ the money-making scheme described below, as she addresses the desk clerk destined to open her envelope:

TAWDRY BUSINESS PRACTICES R US

Listen up, you flunkies, you schlubs,  you nameless, faceless clerics yearning to breathe free graduate high school already and enter college, ultimately precluding another assembly-line, boring, tedious job in the billing department of an impersonal, behemoth, bureaucratic corporation:

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Clinton Diatribe

ash wrote her share of commentary regarding the Lewinsky matter. Unusual but hardly rare for a liberal was her anti-Clinton stance.


Benefit of the Doubt

February 2, 1998

I suspect that she pursued him and that he acquiesced. Nevertheless, the man is a sleaze and, as of his deposition in the Jones suit, a documented liar. His wagging finger is reminiscent of Patsy Ramsey in her media interviews. In my opinion, their credibility is equal.

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A Round Logic

November 4, ‘98

Several recent letters to the editor have asserted Christianity as "the only path to heaven," based on the word of Christ himself, via the Bible.

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Which State is it Anyway?

Unfortunately, it never occurred to ash to verify what she surmised before the passing of the participants she references. But she did hear horror stories of the mother country.

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Throwing the Book

Here's a letter ash sent to the local alternative weekly, for which she once worked. Perhaps that is why she decided to submit it under a pseudonym.

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Appendage OR Literally a Letter to the Editor

Whatever this is the "appendage" to is long gone from ash's memory. No other contemporary document appears in her records. At any rate, the all-purpose message does stand alone.

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Unpublished

Does anyone note the consistency?

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Fashion Critic
The woman cited in this letter was the weather reporter for a local TV station. Actually, she didn't start out as that - she was a secretary - as ash knew from having worked there herself.

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Acne Shouldn’t Be Laughed At

ash didn't write that headline. For some reason, she also signed this letter with a pseudonym.


early 90s

I took great offense at a remark in Toby McDaniel's Jan. 5 column regarding Manuel Noriega and his pockmarks.

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Can't Say
ash chuckled through transcribing this letter. Her hobby is refashioning context from the adversary’s own words.



9 25 97

I’m sure Jeff Mullen is a well-meaning, devoted parent. However, I urge him to reconsider his “’Can’t’ isn’t a word in this house” policy. While “can’t thread a strand of yarn” is one thing, how about “can’t jump on the furniture,” “can’t run across the street in front of cars,” “can’t jump off the roof”?

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Siege Mentality
A full briefing on the backstory of – or series of events preceding – ash’s commentary would require more words than the letter itself, and certainly far more than the incident was worth. The woman in question is aptly described as an amateur newsmaker whose proverbial 15 Minutes should have expired with the resolution of the case.

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Inheritance
Classic ash:



8 17 80

This letter is in response to the article “Rabbis work to renew traditions,” by Jeff Trewhitt in the August 15 State Journal-Register.

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Orange Preserve
Just transcribing the following is an emotional experience for ash.



4 8 02

On late Saturday, July 22, or early Sunday, my beloved cat disappeared, never to return. Several other cats were outside that night, which they shouldn’t have been when no one was home. But it happens. They get out and may not feel like heeding your calls just because you happen to be leaving. You return and they’re on the porch, all present and accounted for, telegraphing the message, “What took you so long? We’ve been waiting forever.” Only on this occasion, one of them was missing. I yelled for him. He didn’t come. The next morning I resumed yelling, searched the block, searched it again, searched beyond the block, and began the grieving process.

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Eclipsed
During this era, winters actually meant frigid weather.



2 26 79

Monday’s solar eclipse may have been a rare and wondrous event for some, but for those who flocked to Sangamon State [University], as I did, to view it from the university telescope, it must represent the biggest mass hoax ever played on the city of Springfield.

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